What if my partner still drinks?

The decision to quit drinking is a profoundly personal one. You may have decided that alcohol no longer has a role in your life – but this doesn’t mean that your partner has.

It can be hard to be around people who are drinking when you’re working on your sobriety. Addiction recovery can feel lonely, and you may feel even lonelier if your partner decides not to join you. However, you can negotiate this together – it just takes communication, respect and teamwork.

Why your partner may continue to drink

Your partner might not join you on your journey for many reasons. On one hand, they may be struggling with drinking and not ready to face it yet. On the other hand, they may have a healthy relationship with alcohol and not be willing to ban it from their own life.

If your partner does struggle with drinking, they may see your own decision to quit as a judgement of their habits and feel defensive.

You might feel frustrated, even unsupported if your partner continues to drink while you’re in recovery. Some people may even experience this as a betrayal. It’s essential to remember how personal the decision to quit is. Your sobriety is a journey where you work on your ability to control your impulses and actions – but you can’t control anyone else’s, and it wouldn’t be right to do so.

Negotiating sobriety with a partner who still drinks will require empathy, honest communication, compromises and clear boundaries – from both of you.

Explain why sobriety is essential for you

While your partner may still choose to drink, it’s vital for them to support you in your sobriety and not subtly undermine your progress. Sit down with your partner and explain how serious you are about quitting and your need for their support to stay sober and look after your mental health. They may not want to join you on your journey, but they need to support you.

While you need to take ownership of your recovery from alcoholism and not make it your partner’s responsibility, your partner should respect your decision and do what they can to accommodate it. Offering you drinks or downplaying the severity of the problem (‘your drinking isn’t that bad’, ‘it’s a special occasion’) should be off the table, and this is a clear boundary to set in the beginning.

Triggers

Writing a relapse prevention plan will methodically take you through the process of identifying what you need to remain sober. It is a vital part of your long-term recovery plans. In this plan, you will be encouraged to identify your triggers and plan what to do when you inevitably encounter them. Triggers are highly personal and can be internal (emotions, memories) or external (times, places), so only you will know yours.

Setting boundaries means you need to get to know your triggers first. Some of your partner’s behaviours around alcohol may not set off your desire to drink – but others might.

Once you have identified your triggers, this will inform the boundaries you set together that will help you remain sober while giving your partner freedom.

Boundaries

Boundaries are not about controlling your partner’s behaviour but about creating a healthy relationship where you can both have your needs met and an environment that can support your decision to remain sober. They will minimise your exposure to triggers as much as possible without unreasonable demands on your partner’s behaviour.

Boundaries encourage freedom and reduce co-dependent habits. They should be your blueprint for negotiating your sobriety.

Your triggers will inform your boundaries, and only you and your partner can decide what they are. They may look like:

• Having designated alcohol-free ‘zones’ in the house, like keeping alcohol out of sight in a single room
• Agreeing that your partner won’t invite you to events that focus on alcohol
• Not scolding your partner for drinking, and accepting their decision not to refrain from alcohol.

The boundaries that you and your partner negotiate can evolve. This evolution isn’t a case of shifting the goalposts or suddenly laying down the law—it reflects that people and their needs change. These boundaries should serve both of you and enrich your relationship.

How to stay sober when a partner drinks

While your boundaries are in place to minimise your contact with triggers, it may not be realistic to expect to be 100% insulated from them.

You may be triggered by emotions such as frustration, anger or sadness – but all partners argue, and every relationship has difficulties.

If your partner still drinks, it’s almost inevitable that you will be exposed to alcohol sometimes – while your boundaries should help to keep this manageable, you need to be prepared to encounter situations that you find triggering.

It is essential to have a solid plan for triggers when you encounter them. This can mean employing healthy coping mechanisms, like breathing exercises and calming techniques. You can identify a neutral space you can always visit, like a sober friend’s house or a cafe. Leaving is sometimes one of the most powerful techniques you can employ, so plan ahead and ensure you always have a place to go.

Gather sober support

If your partner still drinks, they may empathise with your struggle but not fully understand it. Developing your sober support network can help you feel less alone and give you people to speak to who know what you’re going through.

If you don’t have any sober friends, consider joining group therapy or attending meetings like 12-step. The bonds formed in these groups help to keep you feeling supported and accountable and ensure there are people you can talk to who understand alcohol addiction.

Getting help together

If you and your partner are struggling, there is no shame in reaching out for help.

If you are in a structured recovery programme, such as inpatient rehab, many offer family therapy as part of their services. This can provide new avenues of communication between you and your partner and help you set boundaries, communicate better and understand each other’s point of view.

You could consider couples therapy if you’re not in a programme, or even encourage your partner to get some individual therapy if they’re finding the process difficult.

It’s just as important that your partner is supported through this process as you are, so encourage them to reach out to their friends and cultivate their own support networks.

We offer family support programmes specifically for the loved ones of people receiving treatment at a UKAT facility. These can help your loved ones better understand the nature of addiction, understand setting and maintaining boundaries and help them to look after their well-being.