Understanding the 13th Step in AA

Alcoholics Anonymous has historically been a safe space for recovery. AA’s 12-step program has helped millions of people break free of alcoholism and create healthier, alcohol-free lives.

Yet a phenomenon known as the 13th step has emerged as an unwritten point of contention for members, hindering the recovery journey as they seek out supportive relationships.

We examine the pitfalls of the 13th step in recovery and offers you steps to manage the relationships you form throughout treatment.

What is the 13th step in AA?

You may have heard of the 12 steps used by Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) to help people recover from alcohol addiction. The 12 steps are also used by organisations like Narcotics Anonymous (NA) to help people break free. The 12 steps stand as actionable guiding principles to reach sobriety and stay that way.

The 13th step is a colloquial term used by members of AA to refer to people who target new, more vulnerable members of the recovery program (less than a year sober) for dates or sex.

A person entering recovery is generally quite vulnerable and lonely, so the 13th step implies old-timers (those having achieved long-term sobriety) shouldn’t try to capitalise on the frailty of newcomers with romantic advances.

What is the AA’s official stance on the 13th step?

The 13th step is not an “official step” used in AA’s recovery programme. It’s an implied principle and a point of ethics and morals for experienced AA members.

All members of AA are generally discouraged by the organisation from seeking a new romantic partner during the first year of recovery. Finding solace in romance can make it harder to stay focused on the sober practices you’ve dedicated yourself to.

However, flirtation and dating are a part of everyday life. Recovery strives to help people reach sobriety and return to everyday life, so following the 13th step isn’t seen as a set-in-stone requirement.

Research on vulnerable members in AA

Research into 13th-step behaviour in Alcoholics Anonymous is relatively rare, but it can be a common experience for people in recovery.

In research from Bogart and Pearce, 55 women who were current or former members of AA were surveyed. Over half of the women reported seeing behaviours listed in the 13th-step survey, ranging from flirting to unwanted sexual comments. Two women in the study claimed that men they met in AA had raped them. The authors noted that although the 13th step can be carried out by any gender or sexual orientation, their research only used females as respondents.

Women who have experienced sexual abuse can be especially vulnerable to 13th-step behaviours and may even consider blaming themselves when they become victims. For this reason, members should make extra efforts to ensure everyone is heard.

Why is it a controversial topic?

The 13th step is sometimes thought to be controversial due in part to its definition being uncodified and open to some interpretation.

Someone who “thirteenth-stepped” in a meeting may have made a careless innuendo, a joke, or flirted with no deep intent of sexual gain. Some people see thirteenth stepping happening when members dress inappropriately or they attend just to find a date.

Interestingly, there is also some debate as to the original meaning of the “13th step” itself. Some organisations, such as 12steppers, state that the 13th step used to hold a different meaning, one with poignant significance. They say that the 13th step used to be thought of as the invisible threshold that is only crossed after one’s death. After you completed recovery with the 12th step, you lived a life of sobriety until you perished, taking your final 13th step to the grave.

The 13th step’s meaning, application and significance continue to cause debate among members who strive to make AA communities a safer space for all.

How can I navigate romantic relationships during recovery?

The road leading us to a fulfilling romantic relationship is winding enough as it is, but in recovery, it can be especially hard to navigate romance while remaining sober.

If you’re single and in recovery, it’s common to put huge amounts of energy and effort into finding a relationship. You’ll likely have newfound feelings of anxiety and isolation in the first few months of recovery, and tell yourself that a partner would help with these feelings. Yet there are added dangers when seeking relationships too hastily on the road to long-lasting sobriety.

Here are some tips to help you navigate the search for a healthy romantic connection while remaining sober:

Establish the foundation of “self-love”

The best first step in recovery if you’re preparing for the possibility of a new romance is to focus on self-love. Self-love involves seeing yourself for who you really are, forgiving yourself of your weaknesses and celebrating your strengths. Working on self-compassion is critical as you maintain your dedication to sobriety, knowing that you can do it.

Millions of people wrestle with self-love as they quit drinking or taking a drug. For many, an alcohol or drug addiction is laden with shame and self-hatred. Loving yourself more can mean forgiving yourself and acknowledging that past behaviours were an outgrowth of your illness. Lifelong sobriety is foundationally rooted in self-love and being kinder toward yourself.

Take it slow

The professionals who deliver successful treatment programmes generally advise you to avoid new romantic relationships for a one-year period. In the early stages of recovery, a new relationship might become a “replacement addiction” for the alcohol or drugs you’re striving to free yourself from. The early stages can be fraught with emotional instability, placing challenges in your newfound relationship. Instabilities hinder your chances of staying sober, and if the relationship were to end, relapse can become more likely.

Go slowly and make yourself aware of the dangers in thirteenth-stepping to support your own growth. A romantic relationship needs to be built slowly on foundations that support heroic reaches to prolonged sobriety.

Set healthy boundaries

As you recover, you need to set healthy boundaries that are respected by yourself, your friends, and anyone you’re romantically involved with. Boundaries help you safeguard your efforts to stay sober.

This can include setting personal limits on what places you’re willing to go. Don’t agree to anything that makes you uncomfortable, and learn to say ‘no” when you need to. An example boundary could be telling the other person you don’t want to see them when they’re under the effects of drink or drugs. Think about boundaries that work for you and honor them with special importance.

Emphasise honest communication

To develop a romantic relationship that supports your long-term recovery, honesty with that person may be the most crucial principle needed. This can be true of any relationship, but for people in recovery, honesty can be a lifesaving virtue.

Be willing to talk about any worries you’re going through. Being open and honest with someone you’re romantically interested in lets them see when a situation can be triggering for you. Communicate openly; your romantic interests can’t take precedence over your recovery.

Where can I find support for my addiction?

Recovery is a journey of healing, self-discovery, and having people around you who support you. Loneliness and isolation can make you rush into relationships, but these can make it harder to stay sober. While relationships and real connections are vital, they can be incredibly dangerous and undo your progress, making relapse more likely.

Here at UKAT, we specialise in treatment programmes for alcoholism. Our expert staff are trained to deliver personalised care at every stage of recovery. Our personalised detox and aftercare services set you on your path to a healthier, substance-free life.

If you or someone you know needs support, contact us today. Your recovery journey is only one step away.