Understanding grief and loss

Grief touches everyone, but no one is prepared for it. Grief follows loss – it can be the loss of a loved one, but also the loss of health, a job, financial stability, a friendship, or safety after experiencing a trauma.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve; everyone will experience it differently. Unfortunately, there are many ideas about the right or wrong way to grieve, and this can put additional pressure on a person in an already vulnerable situation. You may feel guilty or anxious about grieving in the wrong way, or worried that you’re actually not grieving. It’s important to recognise that everyone grieves in their own way.

The ‘five stages of grief’

Described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in the 1960s, the five stages of grief have come to represent the process someone goes through after grief or loss in the public consciousness. It is common for people to think that the five stages are linear – ‘I’m moving from denial to anger’ – but Kübler-Ross made it clear that the stages are not linear. The stages of grief came from Kübler-Ross’s experience of working with terminally ill patients. They are:

Denial

Numbness, non-acceptance, carrying on as if nothing happened

Anger

Feeling the situation is cruel and unfair

Bargaining

Making deals with ourselves, thinking about ‘what if’

Depression

Sadness, longing and a feeling of meaninglessness

Acceptance

Easing pain and acclimatising to the situation

It’s important to realise that the five stages of grief were invented to describe the experience of a particular group of people. There is no evidence that these stages are universal or that they happen in order. The original five stages of grief are anecdotal—they come from the observations of one person and are not backed by research.

Some people take comfort from knowing that other people have gone through what they’re going through, and there is a model that describes their experiences, but for others, the five stages can be unhelpful. People can get the idea that there is a ‘correct’ way to grieve, and if what they’re feeling doesn’t map onto the five stages, they’re not grieving ‘properly’. This can trigger guilt and make a difficult situation even trickier. Your reaction to grief is unique, and everyone grieves in a different way – there is no right or wrong way to experience grief.

Grief and addiction

For people struggling with addiction, grief is particularly difficult. Substances are often used to prevent the user from feeling their feelings, and grief feels so unpleasant that this can be a tempting way to cope. This is dangerous – it both runs the risk of deepening and exacerbating addiction and allowing the grief to go unprocessed. By not going through the process of grieving, the grief can linger for a much longer time than it would otherwise.

Avoiding the coping mechanism of substances will be a challenge, and it’s important to reach out for professional support if you are at risk of relapsing or going deeper into your addiction.

How to overcome the sadness of loss

The things that will help you overcome sadness may be the least appealing things when you’re in the midst of grief. It’s important to try your best to maintain healthy habits and look after your physical and mental health while not being hard on yourself to find them difficult.

A study on older adults who lost a spouse found that a mind-body programme helped to reduce stress in the people studied. The study gives practical tools to help you cope. However, there is no magic bullet for overcoming grief. It will run its course in its own time. The programme included:

Mind-body activities

Tai chi, qi gong and yoga are all practices that focus on bringing the body and mind together. This can be useful for people who aren’t used to feeling their emotions and can help with the grieving process

Diet

A bad diet will set you up for feeling even worse. Continuously indulging in foods that aren’t good for you can be used as a tool to suppress feelings, much like drugs or alcohol. Simple, healthy meals and plenty of water will be what your body needs

Sleep and exercise

Sleep may not come easily, and maintaining a body movement programme may not be what you want to do, but they are powerful tools. If you’re struggling with sleep, tools like yoga nidra or non-sleep deep rest are guided resting practices that allow your body to get rest if you’re not able to sleep.

Reach out for support

Seeing people can be painful, but it’s important to remind yourself that you aren’t alone. Contact with other people breaks down the isolation many people experience when dealing with grief.

Many people feel pressure, sometimes from themselves and sometimes from others, to move on from their grief. This can come from the pressures of work or other responsibilities, or from an idea that there’s an appropriate amount of time to grieve that shouldn’t be exceeded. But there isn’t a time-limit on grief, and many people say that their grief is always a part of them – even when they have moved past the most overwhelming stages.

Some people struggle with guilt when they do move on, feeling that they have abandoned a lost loved one by experiencing feelings of happiness or fulfilment. But being happy after a loss doesn’t mean that you don’t care or that the loved one isn’t important – remaining in the painful feelings of grief doesn’t mean that you care more.

What to do when grief takes over and overwhelms you

Grief can come in waves, and these waves can be overwhelming. This can cause you to become plagued with negative thoughts – feeling hopeless, despairing and like you have no support.

In these moments, it’s important to recognise that your feelings are real, but your darkest thoughts about the situation are not – and the feelings will pass. Be patient and kind with yourself, and acknowledge and accept your emotions for what they are. At the same time, taking gentle actions to look after yourself, looking for someone to talk to, either a trusted friend or professional, and practising patience and self-acceptance will help you get through the moment.

Seeking help

Finding a therapist, especially one who specialises in grief, is something no one should feel ashamed of. Grief is one of the most difficult experiences anyone will ever go through, and no one is expected to face it alone. Some people feel unable to talk to loved ones about their grief, fearing that it will be a burden. Treatment for mental health, like individual therapy or grief-focused support groups, can help deal with painful feelings of depression, stress, anxiety and guilt.

Talking to a grief specialist can help you clarify your feelings and gain a greater understanding of your grief, which is especially beneficial for people who feel closed off from their feelings. It can help you accept your feelings, explore ways of coping, and think of ways to move forward.